Hey, everyone. I have great news! Secret Agent Man headquarters has retained the services of a pop psychologist from Stanford. She’s a terrific lady and she’s helping us learn more about the inner workings of the thespian mind. The good doctor even put together a short quiz to give actors I’m thinking about signing. The test is scientifically designed to help agents make educated decisions about representation, and so far, it’s working like a charm!
I bet you’re wondering how you would do on this quiz. Well, feel free to test yourself with the following eight questions. The scoring grid is at the bottom of the page.
1) A good friend tells you he just purchased a new car. You respond: A. I haven’t had an audition in two weeks. B. That reminds me, I need to buy a new car, too. C. Congratulations. What kind of car did you buy?
2) You audition for a role on a half-hour comedy. Afterward, your agent calls to tell you the casting director didn’t think you were funny. You respond: A. Can you get me in on “Mike & Molly”? I love that show. B. I’m a riot. The casting director doesn’t know what she’s talking about. C. Sorry to hear that. Can you recommend a good half-hour coach?
3) Your manager calls to explain she won’t be available for a few days because her mother passed away and she has to leave town. You respond: A. I think I should change my hair color. What do you think? B. But who will look out for my career while you’re gone? C. I am so sorry for your loss. Is there anything I can do?
4) During rehearsals for a play, the director wants to know if you have any questions about the character. You respond: A. Do you think agents will come see this show? B. I feel like my character should have more lines. C. No, because your notes have been very helpful.
5) You arrive 20 minutes late for an audition. The casting director frowns when you walk in. You respond: A. Do you mind if I change the lines? B. It’s not my fault. Some idiot got killed on the freeway. C. I’m sorry. I promise it won’t happen again.
6) You missed a great audition because you left town and forgot to book out. Your agent is upset. He yells at you. You respond: A. Can you get me in on that new NBC pilot? B. They should just offer me the part. I’m so right for it. C. I’m sorry. I promise it won’t happen again.
7) Which of the following words best describe you? Selfish, narcissistic, vain, or none of the above. A. I’m real. B. I can play all those characters. C. None of the above.
8) What do Sanford Meisner, Uta Hagen, and Lee Strasberg have in common? A. They’re in al-Qaida. B. I can play all those characters. C. They’re famous acting teachers.
Now it’s time to tally up your score. Give yourself one point for every A, two points for every B, and three points for every C.
If you scored between eight and 12, you’re a walking stereotype with a serious personality disorder and you should seek help immediately.
If you scored between 12 and 20, you have narcissistic tendencies and you need to learn there are other people on this planet besides you.
If you scored between 20 and 24, you’re a well-adjusted human being and your chances of success are excellent.
Now that you’ve got some insight into yourself, please adjust accordingly.